TOTAL STRANGER (aka STRANGER IN MY HOUSE)

Bitter and alone after her recent divorce, Patti isn’t the warmest landlord. But that’s OK, because her new tenant, Lara, is far from perfect: She turns out to be — we’ll give you one guess — crazy! At least Patti has something other than heartbreak to focus on. Getting this maniac out becomes priority number one. But Lara isn’t going to make it easy, and she’s sure as heck not going to play by the rules!

DAN LAURIAAAAA

Based on a true story, “One Angry Juror” follows the story of Sarah Walsh, a tough, opinionated, no-nonsense New Orleans attorney who has been chosen to serve on the jury of a murder trial. Reluctantly serving her duty, she is apathetic toward the defendant until she is convinced that he may actually be innocent. Unwavering, Sarah deadlocks the jury to secure a mistrial. When they retry the case, she partners with defense attorney Donald Burston and detective Derrick White, and the investigation leads them through a dangerous maze of corruption. With the support of her husband, Sarah begins to reconcile her own past and realize that she is one man’s last chance for freedom.

So this starts out with Sarah Walsh saying “the problem with our justice system is it relies on twelve people too stupid to get out of jury duty” and then she tries to get out of jury duty and she can’t, LOL. 

Anyway we’re getting rid of the TV soon and I’m looking forward to it. I’m sorry, you guys. I just. I can’t. I think I maybe need a break?

A TRICK OF THE MIND

Jennifer’s hubby is under watch by a private investigator. This sleuth just told Jennifer that her husband has got some mighty nasty secrets and she may be in jeopardy. What’s a girl to do? Well, confronting him isn’t an option, since it would put her life in instant danger! She’ll have to figure out a game plan quick - or else!

The IMDB tags are the best part of this whole movie. Also spoiler alert.

Makeup Sex. Airbag. Death Of Parents. Heiress. Escaped Mental Patient. Car Accident. Mental Hospital. Newlyweds. Real Estate. Imaginary Person. Nervous Breakdown. Whirlwind Romance. Private Detective. High School Reunion. Female Stalker. Pink Bra. Rich Girl. Architect. Stalker. Plot Twist.

WHOA, PLOT TWIST Y’ALL!

Carrying on. For some reason I keep stumbling upon movies about people with mental illness taking the wrong medication or taking too much medication or taking too little medication or not taking it at all. Oh, media portrayals of mental illness, YOU SLAY ME. (Ugh.) 

Unrelatedly, this movie (like practically all made-for-tv trash) was shot in Canada. The word “fiber” was spelled “fibre” in the closed captions!!! Oh Canada, LMN’s home and native land. 

AMBER’S STORY

This is the tragic and true story of the abduction of Amber Hagerman. Her family and the community’s efforts to find her and bring her kidnapper to justice prove to be a groundbreaking movement toward implementing a government-run tracking system. Follow each and every detail of this sad and difficult case as Amber’s story opens your eyes to a very scary reality.

Oh my gosh, Amber’s mother is played by Elisabeth Röhm! Who is a shockingly not-terrible actress when she’s not playing an ADA! 

Anyway, this movie kind of ruled, honestly. I thought it was going to be entirely about Amber Hagerman, whose kidnapping and murder inspired the nationwide alert system, but the writers included a compelling subplot in which a creepy-as-fuck neighbor stalks and abducts the little girl he’s been babysitting after the mother suddenly (?) comes to her senses and recognizes that she’s entrusted her child to a total and complete looney tune. (Somehow she doesn’t clue in to this until she walks into the guy’s house and sees that he has hundreds of Barbie dolls taped to the walls and huge posters proclaiming his adoration of said child, but WHATEVER, MOVING ON.) Anyway obviously he kidnaps her (telling her that if she makes any noise he’ll hit her in the head with a crowbar) and an Amber Alert goes out and she’s rescued (I made up that last part ‘cause I’m writing this while watching IN REAL TIME, but you can rest assured I’m not wrong when it comes to Lifetime Movies). 

BROKEN SILENCE: A MOMENT OF TRUTH MOVIE

What happens when telling the truth could cost you your lifelong dream? All Mickey has ever longed to be is an Olympic track star. But her athletic future is put in jeopardy when her coach sexually assaults her. When no one believes this high school student, it seems like she’d be better off saying nothing. But a brave Mickey won’t be kept quiet — no matter what it costs her. This is her true story.

Starring Ariana Richards, also known as The Girl From The Jurassic Park Movies, Whatever Happened To Her? Apparently this is what happened to her. Ouch.

HUSH LITTLE BABY

Jamie Ashford lost her first child Amanda a year ago. Now she’s surprised to find herself pregnant despite taking precautions. A series of events convinces Jamie that Caitlin may be evil, but is it just Jamie’s mind playing tricks on her because of the grief she hasn’t dealt with? When the truth is revealed, it seems Jamie was right all along.

“Do you think it’s possible for a baby to be born evil?”

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS, THIS MOVIE DIDN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. WTF.

THE LEGEND OF LUCY KEYES

According to legend, on April 14, 1755, little Lucy Keyes mysteriously vanished in the nearby woods, never to be heard from again. Now fast-forward 250 years and meet the Cooleys — an urban family that has moved to rural New England to cope with the death of one of their children. Little do they know, their new home once belonged to the Keyes family. To make matters even more chilling, their youngest daughter has tapped into the spiritual world and is about to uncover the house’s haunted past! Has little Lucy Keyes finally returned? Find out in this spooky true story!

I’m fifteen minutes in so I don’t really have anything to say, other than that this movie takes place near Wachusett Mountain, so I keep humming the jingle from the commercials. So there’s that.

WHISPERS AND LIES

Fantasy Island? More like Nightmare Island! When Jill and her cousin Patti go to visit what looks at first to be a quaint, picturesque isle, it turns out to be an eerie, demented community. Not long after their arrival, Patti goes missing, and it’s up to Jill to find her. This won’t be an easy task, however, as the locals won’t cooperate. And as she delves further into the dark secrets and sordid history of the place, Jill realizes she’ll be lucky if she even gets out alive!

It’s sort of like The Wicker Man, but somehow worse. Without Nic Cage. The only thing more upsetting than the absurd premise of this movie is the terrible acting. I’m pretty sure Melissa Joan Hart has exactly two facial expressions, and neither resembles someone who is not sick to her stomach.

Listen, if I ever even start to suggest that I might be considering moving to an island, please remind me that they are all full of creepsters and inbreds and rituals and unmarked graves and whispering and whatnot. Eesh.

TERROR IN THE FAMILY

Rebellious teen Deena is on the warpath with her family. To make matters worse, her mom is an alcoholic, and her dad, an emotionally distant workaholic. When their tenuous relationship seems ready to break, Deena goes to stay with her aunt — but no one in this unbalanced clan is exempt from dysfunction. Is a family this far gone destined to end in pieces, or is it never too late for hope?

Deena has a pretty great boyfriend. Here is an excerpt from one of their conversations.

Did you have sex with her?

It didn’t mean anything.

Then why did you do it?

I had to make sure it was over.

Thank god for therapy, right?!